*Today would was the date we were given when we would meet our second child. Unfortunately, a few days later we were forced to deal with the fact we would not be able to meet our little one here on Earth. *
Dear Baby Robb,
Today should have been a day of joy. Today should have been a day of welcoming a new member to our family. But instead, today is a day of “what-ifs”. What if I would have been able to carry you full term? What if I had been able to hear your heartbeat? What if I and your dad had been able to watch you form into the baby we would later meet? But most importantly what if I had been able to meet you today? What emotions would your dad and I be feeling?
Baby Robb, from the very moment we knew we were expecting we loved you. We loved you like we could already hold you in our arms. And we were very much hoping we could meet you. It was just a few weeks later that dream was crushed.
In preparation for this big day I expect your room would have been ready for a few weeks by now. I am sure there would be a quilt made for your arrival by friends and family. While we wouldn’t have painted (because your dad and I love the color), we would have added touches of who we are as a couple into your room. There would be pictures of your dad and pictures of me as babies. Your changing table would have been a dresser used by me when you were a baby. Your rocker would resemble the rocker your great-grandpa made. And your high chair would have been used by three generations before you. Your room would have been cozy. And it would be complete once you were there to live in it. Oh my, we were so hoping you would be able to enjoy it.
I am sure there would have been multiple conversations on who you would look like. Secretly I would have hoped you would have your dad’s dark and deep eyes and dark skin. Even though your dad thinks his eyes resemble the color of poop. Trust me, they don’t. They are deep and sparkle when he’s up to something. And I’m sure you would have been just an ornery as your dad. Your dad, I’m sure, would hope you would look more like me. Either way, you were going to be the most beautiful baby any one had ever seen.
I am sure I and your dad would have sung to you while waiting for you. Wondering what your voice would sound like. Would you sound like me? Or would you have a deep and rich bass singing voice like your dad’s? Would our appreciation for music spill over you and cause a deep appreciation for music to develop in you? If you inherited either my or your dad’s fingers, I’m sure you would play the piano and the viola. And you master both instruments while developing your voice. 🙂
Your Grandma & Grandpa Robb and Grandma Swenson would be so excited to meet you. I am sure your Grandma Swenson would have bought you several outfits including a swimming suit just because. Never mind that your dad had already talked me out of buying toddler clothes for you before you would need them. Your grandmas and grandpa would be so proud of you. We would probably have to ask to hold you when they were around. And I’m sure your Grandma Swenson would make the 30 mile one way tip to come see you just about everyday. You would have brought them so much joy.
I imagine holding you for the first time and looking in your eyes, thanking God over and over you were here and for trusting me and your dad with your life. Then I would look over and see your dad tear up, already incredibly proud of you. We would be excited to dedicate you in our church. Your mom and dad would have been big, blubbering idiots in front of the church. And we wouldn’t have cared less. We were presenting you to our church community. A community we deeply treasure.
Your cousins Lane and Sofie would be excited to meet you. I am sure Sofie would want to hold you as soon as she could. Lane probably would be poking at you and wondering when you would be able to play tractors with him. Either way, your cousins would love you from the moment they saw you.
My dearest Baby Robb, we will never know or fully understand why we weren’t able to meet you. The hole I feel in my heart will never fully heal. The only peace I have with not meeting you here on Earth is knowing your great-grandmas and great-grandpas are babysitting you up in heaven. I can see your great-grandma Helen sitting you and your sister on her lap singing to you both.
Baby Robb we can’t wait to meet you. Your future brothers and sisters will be told about you and your sister.
Mom and Dad