This is the third post in a row on this topic. I can’t say it will be my last ever, but I just need to get these thoughts out so I/we can move on.
Last Wednesday we found out we had a negative pregnancy test after our first IVF round. We were devastated, angry, frustrated, and confused and have been dealing with these feelings for the last five days. So, if we have seemed a little distant this is why.
But, today feels like a new day. Prayers of thanks are being lifted up to God for such a feeling.
Last week was rough. Like really, really rough. I didn’t realize how much we would grieve and continue to grieve over such information. But there was so much hope when our embryos were implanted. They were splitting really well and our doctor was very happy with how they were placed. But I kept finding myself listening to what wasn’t said.
What wasn’t said is that this would be a 100% guarantee.
What wasn’t said was that we would be meeting twins in late July.
What wasn’t said was that there would such heartache that as soon as I walked through the door of my classroom I would have to walk out so my kids wouldn’t see the tears streaming down.
What wasn’t said is that we would feel such anger for God.
But what was said by others is that we have been lifted in prayer by some AMAZING people. Truly. I don’t know why we have been shown such grace by those we love around us, but it has been truly remarkable. It makes me continue to believe in God and to show faith in His plan for our family.
So with that said, I want to say a few things.
I tried to go back to school Friday morning. The first few hours were fine, in fact it was so good to see my kids I desperately wanted to stay the whole day. But soon came a cloud of anxiety and the feeling that if I don’t leave now, I’ll be crying the rest of the day. An angel of a woman (you know who you are 🙂 ) came in selflessly and told me to not worry about anything. As I have gotten older, I’m a bit type A when it comes to school, so for me to “not worry” doesn’t come often when I’m not with my kids. But with her there, I felt peace.
This past weekend was hard, but we just kept checking things off of our to-do list. Adam put up the Christmas lights on the house and I worked a bit outside prepping the porch for Christmas. We found the best thing for us to do was to keep busy. To keep our hands moving.
The hardest part of this journey is to watch your partner struggle and not really know how to help. This guy is awesome and when he cries, something is terribly wrong. My prayer for Adam is that he feels peace. It’s amazing when you feel you know you’re partner well and then you have stressful situations that show you otherwise. But one thing I do know for sure, is that he is a truly amazing man and partner. While I was not able to make it through a few days of school, he needed the routine. I think he needed to know that something was “normal”. I don’t know how he did it. And really I can’t tell you what he’s going through because I feel like he needs to be the one to tell you if he wants. I just know that I continue to fall even more in love with this man.
Someday I’ll write about our experience in depth, but right now I feel like I need to focus more on my relationship with my husband and those around us. Plus, we can now focus on some home improvement projects that we’ve put off for the last few months.
Thank you for being a listening ear, a person to hug, and just a plain awesome person as we struggle to discern what our next steps are to add to our family.
We have a lot of love in our hearts for you!